Last night I sat in a bathtub hiding in candle-lit bubbles with my phone in the other room so I’d be forced to be alone with my thoughts and alone with God. I took breaths deeper than I ever had. I closed my eyes and tried to be in a meditative state.
My heart was torn and hurting.
My mind was a chaotic scribble. Am I doing the right thing with my life? I’ve always put an immense amount of pressure on myself to live a successful life and be phenomenal. But what does that mean? Success is relative. What is phenomenal? My whole life, I always believed success meant having lots of money and taking first-class plane rides to lay on sandy shores and sip virgin Pina Coladas, and being able to give my kids everything they could ever possibly want and need, and wearing suit pants and expensive blouses, and having fancy dinner parties with all the other businesswomen I knew.
I’ve always felt this need to excel and perform higher than the average performance. I’ve felt this need to have a distinct life plan by the time I was 18 and stick to it. I have a great job where I get to make a huge difference at a small startup. But there are dark times, where I compare myself to others my age or younger who are exploring the world and making twice as much money as me, and I panic.
Am I making a mistake by not dropping everything and traveling? All these other people are doing it.
The answer is no. I am right where I need to be right now.
I am not fulfilled by growing my bank account. I am fulfilled by growing my relationship with my Father. Exploring the world will not solve my inner battles, and will not bring my life value. Building my relationship with God, and growing my love for Him and for His children (including myself) will bring my life value. There is no such thing as a geographical cure. The storm inside your soul can be calmed right where you are. The inner demons you face can be battled and conquered without picking up and leaving.
You can’t run or hide from the turmoil inside your soul.
I see these awesome people around me, these world changers, doing amazing things. I wonder if I’m where I should be. I think, I pray, I meditate, I know the answer is yes. I am right where He wants me, right when He wants me here.
I feel these amazing supporters in my life. I have people that God has strategically placed close to my heart to help me face the turmoil of this world. One in particular that has been my shoulder to cry on, laugh on, and lean on for almost a year and a half now. This person has helped me improve my life and my relationship with God so much. Life is not about solving every problem or figuring out every mystery. Life is not about making a billion dollars or being the VP of Sales at 17.
Life is about having gratitude for every single thing in this world — the good times for bringing you joy, and the bad times for helping you grow. Life is about feeling the grass between your toes and taking in the blue above you, and breathing this fresh air that we’ve been blessed with. Life is about being merry and glorifying God. That’s. It.
Whatever/whoever helps you do those two things, keep in your life. Hold on tightly.
Whatever/whoever gets in your way of doing those two things, push away. Do not allow those things/people to enter your life.
Do not live a rushed lifestyle. If you do, you’ll hurry your life away.
Have peace, enjoy this world that’s been created for us.
Someday you are going to die. Do not spend your time doing things that don’t matter. Spend your limited days here loving God’s blessings, His children, thanking Christ for saving you from the evil you’ve committed, and being with people that help you grow closer to Him.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise.